So this week, the plan was going to be to go back to reviewing “kid friendly games.”
I mean,
Rocky and Bullwinkle certainly qualify as a kid friendly IP. Their
original run was well before my time (think 1960s), but thanks to “Nick at Night,”
they were a major part of my childhood. I couldn’t tell
you what a single episode was about, I just know I loved tuning in
every night for the antics of a flying squirrel, dopey moose and their
Russian Nemeses (because remember, communists are bad and all Russians
were communists before 1991) Boris and Natasha.
I am just
going to cut to the chase here, this “game” barely qualifies as a
game. This is a instrument of torture. “Days of Thunder” is a bad
game. “Rise of the Robots” is a horrible game. This puts
them to shame. I can honestly say playing this is one of the worst
things that happened to me this year. I would put it just below the
stomach virus I got in February. Appropriate, because both made me
vomit uncontrollably.
It starts
up and right away, you are greeted with a title screen that looks like
it was created by a pre-schooler using the most limited drawing
application anyone could find on a computer. I know games
weren’t the big budget affair they are nowadays, but this was junk even
in the late 80s. The backgrounds look okay, but everything is very one
note and lacks detail. The character sprites are horrendous, rocky is
indiscernible from the enemies and Bullwinkle
looks like a giant, walking turd. All of this makes it incredibly
difficult to determine where you are supposed to go and what you can and
can’t jump on.
Bulwinkle
has two attacks. He can throw bombs that take a full two seconds to
detonate. They are pretty standard gaming weapons, but the problem here
is all of the enemies move constantly and its literally
impossible to hit anything. On the first screen you will run into
Boris, who will throw a never ending stream of bombs at you. He moves
every second and your bombs have almost no blast radius, so your only
option is your second attack, charging with your
horns. This will make quick work of Boris. It will also make quick
work of Bullwinkle, as it drains his health. That’s BS.
It’s damn
near impossible to run past or jump over him because Bullwinkle has such
a big hit box, so your best bet is to switch to Rocky (you switch with
the select button, but it only works when if feels
like it). Rocky can’t attack, but he can jump much higher and move
much faster than Bullwinkle. You will be able to jump over Boris easily
and avoid all the mice on the next screen. But then you have to climb
stairs. And Rocky can’t climb stairs. Just,
why? Not that it matters anyway, because the control is completely
busted. Both characters are constantly careening out of control, they
jump like they are on the moon and its impossible to even select a
character without the game glitching out.
And that
isn’t even the worst part. The sound in this game is terrible. Check
that, its beyond terrible. This will make your ears bleed, its that
bad. The first level is just every day, ordinary bad.
It’s an obnoxious, short loop but its not bad. The second level? Just
listen:
That is unacceptable. It would have been unacceptable for the Odyssey or Atari 2600.
Look, I’m
not going to waste any more time on this. At this point, it would be a
better use of my effort to recreate an episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle
in real life. I have already trapped a squirrel,
and am in the process of making him a mini helmet with goggles, but if
anyone knows how I can access a moose or two Russians who will work for a
handle of cheap vodka, let me know. Whatever you do, don’t ever play
this game. I have never played a lot of
history’s true stinkers, like E.T. Or anything of that level, but this
might be the worst game I have ever played.
0/10
No need to say anything else, avoid this at all costs.
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