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The Adventures of Rocky and Bulwinkle and Friends

So this week, the plan was going to be to go back to reviewing “kid friendly games.”  

I mean, Rocky and Bullwinkle certainly qualify as a kid friendly IP.  Their original run was well before my time (think 1960s), but thanks to “Nick at Night,” they were a major part of my childhood.  I couldn’t tell you what a single episode was about, I just know I loved tuning in every night for the antics of a flying squirrel, dopey moose and their Russian Nemeses (because remember, communists are bad and all Russians were communists before 1991) Boris and Natasha.

I am just going to cut to the chase here, this “game” barely qualifies as a game.  This is a instrument of torture.  “Days of Thunder” is a bad game.  “Rise of the Robots” is a horrible game.  This puts them to shame.  I can honestly say playing this is one of the worst things that happened to me this year.  I would put it just below the stomach virus I got in February.  Appropriate, because both made me vomit uncontrollably. 

Image result for the adventures of rocky and bullwinkle nes

It starts up and right away, you are greeted with a title screen that looks like it was created by a pre-schooler using the most limited drawing application anyone could find on a computer.  I know games weren’t the big budget affair they are nowadays, but this was junk even in the late 80s.  The backgrounds look okay, but everything is very one note and lacks detail.  The character sprites are horrendous, rocky is indiscernible from the enemies and Bullwinkle looks like a giant, walking turd.  All of this makes it incredibly difficult to determine where you are supposed to go and what you can and can’t jump on.

Bulwinkle has two attacks.  He can throw bombs that take a full two seconds to detonate. They are pretty standard gaming weapons, but the problem here is all of the enemies move constantly and its literally impossible to hit anything.  On the first screen you will run into Boris, who will throw a never ending stream of bombs at you.  He moves every second and your bombs have almost no blast radius, so your only option is your second attack, charging with your horns.  This will make quick work of Boris.  It will also make quick work of Bullwinkle, as it drains his health.  That’s BS.  

It’s damn near impossible to run past or jump over him because Bullwinkle has such a big hit box, so your best bet is to switch to Rocky (you switch with the select button, but it only works when if feels like it).  Rocky can’t attack, but he can jump much higher and move much faster than Bullwinkle.  You will be able to jump over Boris easily and avoid all the mice on the next screen.  But then you have to climb stairs.  And Rocky can’t climb stairs.  Just, why?  Not that it matters anyway, because the control is completely busted.  Both characters are constantly careening out of control, they jump like they are on the moon and its impossible to even select a character without the game glitching out.  

And that isn’t even the worst part.  The sound in this game is terrible.  Check that, its beyond terrible.  This will make your ears bleed, its that bad.  The first level is just every day, ordinary bad.  It’s an obnoxious, short loop but its not bad.  The second level?  Just listen:



That is unacceptable.  It would have been unacceptable for the Odyssey or Atari 2600.

Look, I’m not going to waste any more time on this.  At this point, it would be a better use of my effort to recreate an episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle in real life.  I have already trapped a squirrel, and am in the process of making him a mini helmet with goggles, but if anyone knows how I can access a moose or two Russians who will work for a handle of cheap vodka, let me know.  Whatever you do, don’t ever play this game.  I have never played a lot of history’s true stinkers, like E.T.  Or anything of that level, but this might be the worst game I have ever played.

0/10

No need to say anything else, avoid this at all costs.
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