It's been a long time coming, but I knew this was going to have to happen eventually. I've had a largely positive year of reviews so far, with one very obvious exception. I've been thinking a lot about this topic ever since I reviewed Ballz 3D, and a recent quest on Channel 3 (which is an amazing social media platform that you should join if you haven't already) has kept the gears turning. I've played a lot of games in my lifetime, some great, most at least good and a few bad. But there are a select few that sink far below bad, titles that are absolutely horrible, abominable experiences that make my stomach turn just thinking about. It's time to talk about the games that are the worst ones that I, personally, have ever played.
Before I get into it, I have to lay down a few ground rules. First, these are all games that I have actually played. This won't be a rehash of all those other "worst game" lists, though a few of the games the frequently populate said lists will show up here. This is my personal list, and thus I have to have played the games that are on it. As such, you won't see stuff like E.T. for the Atari 2600, Kasumi Ninja for the Jaguar or Plumbers Don't Wear Ties for the 3DO.
At the same time, I am also going to try and put my genre biases and personal dislike aside for games I hate that are actually well made. This is the first, and probably last time you will hear me talk positive about Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, Gears of War or Jet Grind Radio, so mark it down. I hate all of those games, but I can't in good conscious call them "bad" like the games we are about to discuss.
On the opposite end, there are plenty of games I like that everyone insists are bad. It goes without saying, but you won't see them on this list. I will die on the hill that Mega Man X7 and Resident Evil Survivor are actually decent games, maybe not the best, but not nearly as bad as they are made out to be. Finally, there are quite a few games that usually make these lists I don't actually think are bad. You won't be seeing Batman Forever, Street Fighter the Movie or, perhaps most notably, Shaq Fu on my list. I won't call those games good, but I have played far, far worse.
The last point here is we are talking about "real" games only. Consoles, both plugin and handheld, and computers are fair game. Actual mobile titles are fair games, but obvious Gacha junk is not (this keeps Final Fantasy: All the Bravest off the list). Finally, this caveat also excludes things like Tiger Electronic games, or things like the R-Zone, otherwise the list would be filled entirely with those. But enough about games that aren't on the list. Get your gloves on and grab a gas mask, because it's time to pump the sceptic tank of the gaming industry.
10. Street Fighter (Arcade/TG16)
Wait, that has to be a typo, right? Is this an edgelord take? Is this a joke? Street Fighter? Really. Look, it's gotten to the point that when most people refer to "Street Fighter" in retro gaming circles, they mean some version of Street Fighter II. Honestly, it was kind of that way back in the day too. Most people, myself included, had their first exposure to the series with the second game and didn't even realize there was a first. As such, many of us just started refering to SFII as just Street Fighter. Now, that game is one of the greatest of all time, so one might imagine that its predecessor was at least decent, maybe not as good but of similar quality. But that is not the case, because the original Street Fighter isn't just bad, it is absolutely awful. The biggest issue here is the controls. There is nothing to say outside of the fact that they just straight up don't work. You can only play as Ryu or Ken and their special move inputs are the same as they have ever been. But you will probably have to do a quarter circle and punch between 15 and 20 times to pull off a Hadouken. Your characters can barely move and the hit detection is horrible. And the voice samples? Those are the stuff of legend. A lot of the stuff that would make this game not worth revisiting, only being able to select two characters, lame opponents, overly simple fighting gameplay, these can be excused as being a product of their time. But the controls make this straight up unplayable. Being the first of its kind keep it towards the bottom of this list, it gets credit for innovation. But it's probably more unplayable than a few of the games below it.
9. MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch (PS2/XBox/PC)
There was a time where a licensed game was absolutely assured to be terrible. That was especially true of licensed games based on fringe IPs that were on the downswing of popularity. I never really liked Celebrity Deathmatch, but I recognize that a lot of people really do. But by the time the 6th generation was in full swing, the series was clearly on its way down hill. So naturally, they made a game about it. Developed by a company called Big Ape software, Celebrity Deathmatch hit the PS2, XBox and PC in 2001. And this game played like it was programmed by, well, a big ape. The controls barely work, the gameplay is brainless and shallow when they do and the cross between the worst of wrestling and fighting games falls as flat as the sophomoric and crude humor. This was low brow stuff even by the show's standards, these weren't even third rate reject jokes. The game could have been saved a little bit by having a good roster, this was a gimmick title after all. But when you were trying to pass Carrot Top or Miss Cleo off as celebrities in 2003 it wasn't going to work. A lot of people hate on the Simpsons Wrestling, and rightfully so. That game was an honorable (dishonarable?) mention for this list. But Celebrity Deathmatch is the same thing with even worse control and less appealing graphics.
8. Terminator (NES)
If you are reading this, there is a high probablility that you know who the Angry Video Game Nerd is. As one of gaming Youtube's most recognizable creators, his reviews have had a major role in shaping online gaming discourse for the better part of two decades. His hatred of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for the NES is legendary, so much so that it now frequently appears on worst of lists everywhere. Not going to lie, it looks pretty awful, but I've personally never played it. I have played a lot of games he's covered though and some of the games he's covered aren't nearly as bad as they are now made out to be. Silver Surfer is infuriating and unfairly difficult, but it isn't bad. Many of the horror or movie based games he has dunked on are below average, but far from unplayable. But Terminator for the NES? It's the real deal. I don't think I've ever had a play experience match up as closely with AVGNs as this one did. Lousy hit detection, horrible controls, nonsense weapons, unfair enemies, damn near impossible jumps on ridiculous platforms, the busted section with the truck, I felt the same rage during all of it. I stopped short of affixing a wrench to my NES controller to earn lives, but I absolutely let the profanity fly as I phased through platform after platform and got obliterated by impossible to hit drone guns. I think the biggest shame here is that a Terminator game should have been incredible. This movie absolutely lends itself to a great NES game, but this was unacceptable. Especially considering the game came out very late in the NES lifecycle. The graphics are atrocious and the music is just...listen.
7. Superman 64 (N64)
While we are on the subject of video games with a reputation, Superman 64 is one of the most revilled games of all time. I've tried very hard to make it a point that I wasn't going to just include games that everyone else thinks are bad. Because frankly, many of them aren't nearly as bad as they are made out to be. But Superman 64 super sucks, and it absolutely deserves all the hate it gets. Superman has all sorts of powers, ice breath, laser vision, superior intillect, you name it and he can do it. But in this game, you will only focus on one of those powers...flying. You are going to fly through rings. A lot of rings. On a very tight time limit. That will cause a game over if you fail them. I guess this would be okay if it were a small part of the game and it controlled well. But it doesn't. Just flying through the first ring or two is a chore, as something as simple as going straight is damn near impossible. When you have to do complicated manuevuers like turning right, or stopping, you are going to be out of luck. Superman looks like an amorphous blob and the world is covered in this weird fog that makes everything look horrendous. Hindsight being 20/20, it's pretty common knowledge that the N64 had pretty short draw distance and this was obviously an attempt to cover that up. But the game actually tries to pass this off as a part of the story, calling it "Kryptonite fog." That would be funny if it wasn't so sad. And once you pass the flying sections (if you pass the flying sections) things don't get any better. Superman punches like a drunk chimpanzee and his set of powers are near useless. I know it's hard to balance in a video game, but this is Superman we are talking about here. Why is he so pathetic? The control is bad, the graphics are bad, the music is bad, everything is just bad.
6.Lunar: Dragon Song (DS)
For as many RPGs as I've played, there is only going to be one on this list. Part of it is genre bias, it's my favorite genre and I tend to look at the positives when I play these games. I also think they tend to have less focus on moment to moment gameplay and thus don't suffer as much from things like bad controls (which is a pretty common theme on the list, in case you haven't noticed). I can put up with an RPG that doesn't play all that well if it has an interesting story and compelling categoires. A game like Shadow Madness, the first game I ever reviewed here, looks bad and plays worse. But it has interesting characters, a unique story and a few interesting ideas that would have worked if they weren't so poorly implimented. So that should give you an idea of how ungodly Lunar: Dragon Song is. I am a huge fan of the other two games, Lunar II is a top 10 game of all time for me. It has a beautifully crafted world, a compelling cast, an outstanding story and wonderful map to explore. And Dragon Song...has none of that. I could not remember a single character from this game, nor what the plot was about without looking it up. There is some relevance to the series lore here, which would have made it necessary to play Dragon Song. But the good news is you don't actually have to! Unfortunately the bad news is because this game basically killed the series. But it's not just the obnoxious plot or flat characters. This might have the worst gameplay mechanics of any RPG ever. You know how you can run in most RPGs? Sometimes you have to hold a button, sometimes you have to toggle it on and off, but you can always run? Well, Dragon Song is no different...except for the fact that you lose HP when you run. No, that isn't a mistake, you can legitamiely run yourself to death. And you know how in most RPGs, you get experience and money when you win battles? Well, in Dragon Song, you have to choose one or the other. That is...frankly I don't have words for how I feel about it. But I will never forgive this sorry, piss poor excuse for a game for killing the Lunar series. Even if the recent remasters get it going again, Dragon Song is still going to be a stain on the series forever.
5. The Amazing Race (Wii)
In many ways, I could use this as a stand-in for much of the horrific licensed shovelware that came out for the Wii. The console was full of it, every random TV show, movie, 30's radio program, if you could name it it had a poorly designed cash grab title on the Wii. Its reputation as a family console often worked against it, as developers thought they could make a quick buck off people that didn't really know anything about video games. It was solid short-term strategy, but ended up failing in the long run. Even non-gamers quickly realized what was going on and started avoiding this junk while realizing their fancy new Wii had plenty of great family friendly games that weren't based on reality TV. I've played my fair share of these things and while most of them are pretty bad, I will admit there was some fun to be had. Games base on Survivor, Deal or No Deal, and others did offer some level of fun, even if they weren't all that great. But the Amazing Race had absolutely no redeeming qualities. I almost didn't put it on the list...because it barely qualifies as a video game. What you have here is a random collection of menus that basically masquerade as miniganes, after which you will get to watch a clip from the show. You know what's a better way to watch clips of the Amazing Race? By watching the Amazing Race on TV. At least then you wouldn't have to play a pointless minigame and waste your time. It would even be passable if these were quizzes about the locations you were going to, or had you strategically planning a trip based on your current resources, but there isn't any of that here. I think what makes games like this truly abhorable is that they have absolutely no reason to exist. Wii owners looking for a family friendly game can play Mario Galaxy, anyone looking for an educational game will find one that actually involves learning and fans of the Amazing Race will just, ya know, watch the Amazing Race. Avoid at all cost.
4. Rise of the Robots (SNES/Genesis/3DO)
Does anyone else remember when video games were $70? Well, I guess they are back to being that much and more, but the thing is, now I'm an adult and I have a job. I don't, but I could, in theory, buy games fairly frequently. It wasn't like that in 1994, because I was unemployed back then, largely due to the fact that I was six years old. I got some allowance for chores, birthday money, got money for whatever occasion, but I wasn't exactly raking in the dough. When I wanted to buy a video game, it needed to be a sure thing, and Rise of the Robots was definitely a sure thing. At the time, I had no idea about the state of the art AI the game was supposed to have, or the soundtrack that was supposed to be done by Brian May. All I knew was that I loved Street Fighter and I loved robots, and this was basically Street Fighter with robots. I certainly remember the ads that were all over GamePro, I especially liked the one that was based on the Brady Bunch. And you know what? A fighting game based on the Bradys would have been a hell of a lot better than whatever this was. At least Florence Henderson would have been able to throw a fireball, or an anti-air uppercut, or some kind of special move. And the graphics would have certainly been better, ROTR looks great on pause but plays at a rate of about 3 FPS (and that's coming from someone that absolutely doesn't care about that kind of stuff). Look, I've already reviewed this game, yes it was seven years ago but the points all still stand, so go check that out. Hell, more than 30 years later I'm still mad I blew $70 on this piece of junk.
3. Ballz 3D (SNES/Genesis)
Look, I'm not going to spend anymore time on this game, I just don't have the mental bandwidth to do so. I just covered it a few weeks ago and the fact that it was the inspiration for this list should give you an idea of how I felt about it. That's truly something, I have personal vendettas against a lot of games on this list that probably make see them as just a bit worse than they might actually be. But Ballz 3D? This one got here without any of that, it was just pure, unadultarated suckery. So good job, I guess? I could keep going on and on about how the controls are horrible, the graphics are worse and the gamplay is grating. I could complain about 90's forced edginess, or ear-piercing sounds, but I already did that in my review. So open wide for chunky (IYKYK) and go check that out, because I've had enough ballz for one lifetime.
2. Pit Fighter (SNES)
And yet, Ballz 3D isn't the worst fighting game I've ever played. Nor was the aforementioned Rise of the Robots. There were so many fighting game options in the 90's it would make your head spin, and thanks to my local video store I played a ton of them. From icons like Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat to lesser known gems like Fatal Fury and Samurai Showdown to licensed brawlers like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Tournament Fighter and Justice League Task Force, there was always something different to play. Some were better than others, but most, outside a few stinkers like the games we just mentioned, were at least passable. So I kind of had some level expectations when it came time to grab Pit Fighter off the shelf way back when. I took that sucker home, I popped it in, I played for five minutes and I instantly realized, even at a relatively young age, that I had just played one of the worst games ever. Now, there's a caveat here, we are talking strictly about the SNES version here. This was an arcade conversion that also got ported to the Sega Genesis. The arcade version was actually revolutionary in terms of its presentation, it was one of the first games to use digitized graphics. Gameplay wise it's fairly mediocre, but it has its charm. The Genesis version isn't a great port, but its closer to "bad" then "I hate myself for playing this." But the SNES version? I don't know what happened here, but it SUCKS. Now, it doesn't have any problems that any of the other games. But the thing is, it does those things even worse than any of the other already horrible games on this list. It doesn't just have bad controls, or unresponsive controls. The controls here just straight up do not work. The controls in Street Fighter are stiff and unresponsive, but if you keep slamming on the buttons and doing a quarter circle motion, you might eventually do a hadouken. But in Pit Fighter, it's a challenge just to walk, forget about throwing a punch, or a kick. Most of these games have horrible graphics, but Pit Fighter looks truly awful. It looks like the arcade version, if the arcade version were swallowed by a cat and then puked into a sceptic tank. Muddy colors, horrible animation, pixelated characters, all of it. The gameplay has absolutely no redeeming qualities at all, it's unfairly difficult and unbelievably boring all at the same time. Everything else on this list has had some small, tiny, minimal glimmer of hope, that one thing that you actually might find enjoyable. But Pit Fighter is completely and totally barren, devoid of any and all value. This might, objectively, be the worst game I've ever played. However...
1. The Adventures of Rocky and Bulwinkle (NES)
In case you haven't noticed at by now, not all of this is business. Some of it is very, very personal. Now, that's not to say that any of the games we've discussed today are good, because they aren't. But I very, very much have personal vendettas with some of these games. You know, every gaming content creator has "that game" that they have a unique and unbridled hatred for. As mentioned previously, AVGN is notorious for his hatred of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Noted SNES youtuber SNESDrunk despises Bill Lambieer's Combat Basketball. Well, for me, that game is Rocky and Bulwinkle for the NES. I've reviewed this game already and I can't believe I have to do it again, because this was the title that made me realize that video games could be bad. You see, when I was in Kindergaten I had a friend that I largely credit for getting me into gaming as a hobby. He introduced me to a great number of games I had never heard of before. He introduced me to Mega Man 3. His was the first house where I played a fourth generation console. And before he moved out of town shortly after my birthday, we were going to have one last gaming hurrah. Instead of a toy or trinket, he got me a video game, something that wasn't common at the time. You didn't get video games from your friends in those days, it just rarely happened. The excitement to play this new Nintendo game was palpable, we were through the roof. And I don't think I've ever been brought down by a game so fast. Horrendous controls, lousy graphics, even worse sound, there were absolutely no redeeming qualities here. There are reasons, even if they are small, to play all of the other games on this list at least once. But R and B is just useless, it has no reason for existing at all and brings absolutely nothing to the world. I had played bad games before. I had played games that were too hard for me at that point in my life. But Rocky and Bulwinkle was the first one that ever made me willingly turn off my NES to go do something else. That's something that I still don't do very often. I just can't talk about it anymore, I am going to link my review here. It's one of my older reviews but all the points still stand. I don't know what to say about this game, because none of the standard insults lobbed at games don't apply here. I can't compare it to fecal matter, that can be used for fertilizer. I can't call it garbage, at least you can burn that. Saying it sucks, or is lousy, or whatever, doesn't do it justice. Just stay away from this game at all cost.
And there you have it. Now I've done my worst of list and I never, ever, ever have to play any of these games ever again. I'm sure this list would look a lot different for others, though I think most of these games would be considered to be pretty objectively bad. I don't ever want to play any of them again and I don't recomend you do either.
Before I get into it, I have to lay down a few ground rules. First, these are all games that I have actually played. This won't be a rehash of all those other "worst game" lists, though a few of the games the frequently populate said lists will show up here. This is my personal list, and thus I have to have played the games that are on it. As such, you won't see stuff like E.T. for the Atari 2600, Kasumi Ninja for the Jaguar or Plumbers Don't Wear Ties for the 3DO.
At the same time, I am also going to try and put my genre biases and personal dislike aside for games I hate that are actually well made. This is the first, and probably last time you will hear me talk positive about Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, Gears of War or Jet Grind Radio, so mark it down. I hate all of those games, but I can't in good conscious call them "bad" like the games we are about to discuss.
On the opposite end, there are plenty of games I like that everyone insists are bad. It goes without saying, but you won't see them on this list. I will die on the hill that Mega Man X7 and Resident Evil Survivor are actually decent games, maybe not the best, but not nearly as bad as they are made out to be. Finally, there are quite a few games that usually make these lists I don't actually think are bad. You won't be seeing Batman Forever, Street Fighter the Movie or, perhaps most notably, Shaq Fu on my list. I won't call those games good, but I have played far, far worse.
The last point here is we are talking about "real" games only. Consoles, both plugin and handheld, and computers are fair game. Actual mobile titles are fair games, but obvious Gacha junk is not (this keeps Final Fantasy: All the Bravest off the list). Finally, this caveat also excludes things like Tiger Electronic games, or things like the R-Zone, otherwise the list would be filled entirely with those. But enough about games that aren't on the list. Get your gloves on and grab a gas mask, because it's time to pump the sceptic tank of the gaming industry.
10. Street Fighter (Arcade/TG16)
Wait, that has to be a typo, right? Is this an edgelord take? Is this a joke? Street Fighter? Really. Look, it's gotten to the point that when most people refer to "Street Fighter" in retro gaming circles, they mean some version of Street Fighter II. Honestly, it was kind of that way back in the day too. Most people, myself included, had their first exposure to the series with the second game and didn't even realize there was a first. As such, many of us just started refering to SFII as just Street Fighter. Now, that game is one of the greatest of all time, so one might imagine that its predecessor was at least decent, maybe not as good but of similar quality. But that is not the case, because the original Street Fighter isn't just bad, it is absolutely awful. The biggest issue here is the controls. There is nothing to say outside of the fact that they just straight up don't work. You can only play as Ryu or Ken and their special move inputs are the same as they have ever been. But you will probably have to do a quarter circle and punch between 15 and 20 times to pull off a Hadouken. Your characters can barely move and the hit detection is horrible. And the voice samples? Those are the stuff of legend. A lot of the stuff that would make this game not worth revisiting, only being able to select two characters, lame opponents, overly simple fighting gameplay, these can be excused as being a product of their time. But the controls make this straight up unplayable. Being the first of its kind keep it towards the bottom of this list, it gets credit for innovation. But it's probably more unplayable than a few of the games below it.
9. MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch (PS2/XBox/PC)
There was a time where a licensed game was absolutely assured to be terrible. That was especially true of licensed games based on fringe IPs that were on the downswing of popularity. I never really liked Celebrity Deathmatch, but I recognize that a lot of people really do. But by the time the 6th generation was in full swing, the series was clearly on its way down hill. So naturally, they made a game about it. Developed by a company called Big Ape software, Celebrity Deathmatch hit the PS2, XBox and PC in 2001. And this game played like it was programmed by, well, a big ape. The controls barely work, the gameplay is brainless and shallow when they do and the cross between the worst of wrestling and fighting games falls as flat as the sophomoric and crude humor. This was low brow stuff even by the show's standards, these weren't even third rate reject jokes. The game could have been saved a little bit by having a good roster, this was a gimmick title after all. But when you were trying to pass Carrot Top or Miss Cleo off as celebrities in 2003 it wasn't going to work. A lot of people hate on the Simpsons Wrestling, and rightfully so. That game was an honorable (dishonarable?) mention for this list. But Celebrity Deathmatch is the same thing with even worse control and less appealing graphics.
8. Terminator (NES)
If you are reading this, there is a high probablility that you know who the Angry Video Game Nerd is. As one of gaming Youtube's most recognizable creators, his reviews have had a major role in shaping online gaming discourse for the better part of two decades. His hatred of Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for the NES is legendary, so much so that it now frequently appears on worst of lists everywhere. Not going to lie, it looks pretty awful, but I've personally never played it. I have played a lot of games he's covered though and some of the games he's covered aren't nearly as bad as they are now made out to be. Silver Surfer is infuriating and unfairly difficult, but it isn't bad. Many of the horror or movie based games he has dunked on are below average, but far from unplayable. But Terminator for the NES? It's the real deal. I don't think I've ever had a play experience match up as closely with AVGNs as this one did. Lousy hit detection, horrible controls, nonsense weapons, unfair enemies, damn near impossible jumps on ridiculous platforms, the busted section with the truck, I felt the same rage during all of it. I stopped short of affixing a wrench to my NES controller to earn lives, but I absolutely let the profanity fly as I phased through platform after platform and got obliterated by impossible to hit drone guns. I think the biggest shame here is that a Terminator game should have been incredible. This movie absolutely lends itself to a great NES game, but this was unacceptable. Especially considering the game came out very late in the NES lifecycle. The graphics are atrocious and the music is just...listen.
7. Superman 64 (N64)
While we are on the subject of video games with a reputation, Superman 64 is one of the most revilled games of all time. I've tried very hard to make it a point that I wasn't going to just include games that everyone else thinks are bad. Because frankly, many of them aren't nearly as bad as they are made out to be. But Superman 64 super sucks, and it absolutely deserves all the hate it gets. Superman has all sorts of powers, ice breath, laser vision, superior intillect, you name it and he can do it. But in this game, you will only focus on one of those powers...flying. You are going to fly through rings. A lot of rings. On a very tight time limit. That will cause a game over if you fail them. I guess this would be okay if it were a small part of the game and it controlled well. But it doesn't. Just flying through the first ring or two is a chore, as something as simple as going straight is damn near impossible. When you have to do complicated manuevuers like turning right, or stopping, you are going to be out of luck. Superman looks like an amorphous blob and the world is covered in this weird fog that makes everything look horrendous. Hindsight being 20/20, it's pretty common knowledge that the N64 had pretty short draw distance and this was obviously an attempt to cover that up. But the game actually tries to pass this off as a part of the story, calling it "Kryptonite fog." That would be funny if it wasn't so sad. And once you pass the flying sections (if you pass the flying sections) things don't get any better. Superman punches like a drunk chimpanzee and his set of powers are near useless. I know it's hard to balance in a video game, but this is Superman we are talking about here. Why is he so pathetic? The control is bad, the graphics are bad, the music is bad, everything is just bad.
6.Lunar: Dragon Song (DS)
For as many RPGs as I've played, there is only going to be one on this list. Part of it is genre bias, it's my favorite genre and I tend to look at the positives when I play these games. I also think they tend to have less focus on moment to moment gameplay and thus don't suffer as much from things like bad controls (which is a pretty common theme on the list, in case you haven't noticed). I can put up with an RPG that doesn't play all that well if it has an interesting story and compelling categoires. A game like Shadow Madness, the first game I ever reviewed here, looks bad and plays worse. But it has interesting characters, a unique story and a few interesting ideas that would have worked if they weren't so poorly implimented. So that should give you an idea of how ungodly Lunar: Dragon Song is. I am a huge fan of the other two games, Lunar II is a top 10 game of all time for me. It has a beautifully crafted world, a compelling cast, an outstanding story and wonderful map to explore. And Dragon Song...has none of that. I could not remember a single character from this game, nor what the plot was about without looking it up. There is some relevance to the series lore here, which would have made it necessary to play Dragon Song. But the good news is you don't actually have to! Unfortunately the bad news is because this game basically killed the series. But it's not just the obnoxious plot or flat characters. This might have the worst gameplay mechanics of any RPG ever. You know how you can run in most RPGs? Sometimes you have to hold a button, sometimes you have to toggle it on and off, but you can always run? Well, Dragon Song is no different...except for the fact that you lose HP when you run. No, that isn't a mistake, you can legitamiely run yourself to death. And you know how in most RPGs, you get experience and money when you win battles? Well, in Dragon Song, you have to choose one or the other. That is...frankly I don't have words for how I feel about it. But I will never forgive this sorry, piss poor excuse for a game for killing the Lunar series. Even if the recent remasters get it going again, Dragon Song is still going to be a stain on the series forever.
5. The Amazing Race (Wii)
In many ways, I could use this as a stand-in for much of the horrific licensed shovelware that came out for the Wii. The console was full of it, every random TV show, movie, 30's radio program, if you could name it it had a poorly designed cash grab title on the Wii. Its reputation as a family console often worked against it, as developers thought they could make a quick buck off people that didn't really know anything about video games. It was solid short-term strategy, but ended up failing in the long run. Even non-gamers quickly realized what was going on and started avoiding this junk while realizing their fancy new Wii had plenty of great family friendly games that weren't based on reality TV. I've played my fair share of these things and while most of them are pretty bad, I will admit there was some fun to be had. Games base on Survivor, Deal or No Deal, and others did offer some level of fun, even if they weren't all that great. But the Amazing Race had absolutely no redeeming qualities. I almost didn't put it on the list...because it barely qualifies as a video game. What you have here is a random collection of menus that basically masquerade as miniganes, after which you will get to watch a clip from the show. You know what's a better way to watch clips of the Amazing Race? By watching the Amazing Race on TV. At least then you wouldn't have to play a pointless minigame and waste your time. It would even be passable if these were quizzes about the locations you were going to, or had you strategically planning a trip based on your current resources, but there isn't any of that here. I think what makes games like this truly abhorable is that they have absolutely no reason to exist. Wii owners looking for a family friendly game can play Mario Galaxy, anyone looking for an educational game will find one that actually involves learning and fans of the Amazing Race will just, ya know, watch the Amazing Race. Avoid at all cost.
4. Rise of the Robots (SNES/Genesis/3DO)
Does anyone else remember when video games were $70? Well, I guess they are back to being that much and more, but the thing is, now I'm an adult and I have a job. I don't, but I could, in theory, buy games fairly frequently. It wasn't like that in 1994, because I was unemployed back then, largely due to the fact that I was six years old. I got some allowance for chores, birthday money, got money for whatever occasion, but I wasn't exactly raking in the dough. When I wanted to buy a video game, it needed to be a sure thing, and Rise of the Robots was definitely a sure thing. At the time, I had no idea about the state of the art AI the game was supposed to have, or the soundtrack that was supposed to be done by Brian May. All I knew was that I loved Street Fighter and I loved robots, and this was basically Street Fighter with robots. I certainly remember the ads that were all over GamePro, I especially liked the one that was based on the Brady Bunch. And you know what? A fighting game based on the Bradys would have been a hell of a lot better than whatever this was. At least Florence Henderson would have been able to throw a fireball, or an anti-air uppercut, or some kind of special move. And the graphics would have certainly been better, ROTR looks great on pause but plays at a rate of about 3 FPS (and that's coming from someone that absolutely doesn't care about that kind of stuff). Look, I've already reviewed this game, yes it was seven years ago but the points all still stand, so go check that out. Hell, more than 30 years later I'm still mad I blew $70 on this piece of junk.
3. Ballz 3D (SNES/Genesis)
Look, I'm not going to spend anymore time on this game, I just don't have the mental bandwidth to do so. I just covered it a few weeks ago and the fact that it was the inspiration for this list should give you an idea of how I felt about it. That's truly something, I have personal vendettas against a lot of games on this list that probably make see them as just a bit worse than they might actually be. But Ballz 3D? This one got here without any of that, it was just pure, unadultarated suckery. So good job, I guess? I could keep going on and on about how the controls are horrible, the graphics are worse and the gamplay is grating. I could complain about 90's forced edginess, or ear-piercing sounds, but I already did that in my review. So open wide for chunky (IYKYK) and go check that out, because I've had enough ballz for one lifetime.
2. Pit Fighter (SNES)
And yet, Ballz 3D isn't the worst fighting game I've ever played. Nor was the aforementioned Rise of the Robots. There were so many fighting game options in the 90's it would make your head spin, and thanks to my local video store I played a ton of them. From icons like Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat to lesser known gems like Fatal Fury and Samurai Showdown to licensed brawlers like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Tournament Fighter and Justice League Task Force, there was always something different to play. Some were better than others, but most, outside a few stinkers like the games we just mentioned, were at least passable. So I kind of had some level expectations when it came time to grab Pit Fighter off the shelf way back when. I took that sucker home, I popped it in, I played for five minutes and I instantly realized, even at a relatively young age, that I had just played one of the worst games ever. Now, there's a caveat here, we are talking strictly about the SNES version here. This was an arcade conversion that also got ported to the Sega Genesis. The arcade version was actually revolutionary in terms of its presentation, it was one of the first games to use digitized graphics. Gameplay wise it's fairly mediocre, but it has its charm. The Genesis version isn't a great port, but its closer to "bad" then "I hate myself for playing this." But the SNES version? I don't know what happened here, but it SUCKS. Now, it doesn't have any problems that any of the other games. But the thing is, it does those things even worse than any of the other already horrible games on this list. It doesn't just have bad controls, or unresponsive controls. The controls here just straight up do not work. The controls in Street Fighter are stiff and unresponsive, but if you keep slamming on the buttons and doing a quarter circle motion, you might eventually do a hadouken. But in Pit Fighter, it's a challenge just to walk, forget about throwing a punch, or a kick. Most of these games have horrible graphics, but Pit Fighter looks truly awful. It looks like the arcade version, if the arcade version were swallowed by a cat and then puked into a sceptic tank. Muddy colors, horrible animation, pixelated characters, all of it. The gameplay has absolutely no redeeming qualities at all, it's unfairly difficult and unbelievably boring all at the same time. Everything else on this list has had some small, tiny, minimal glimmer of hope, that one thing that you actually might find enjoyable. But Pit Fighter is completely and totally barren, devoid of any and all value. This might, objectively, be the worst game I've ever played. However...
1. The Adventures of Rocky and Bulwinkle (NES)
In case you haven't noticed at by now, not all of this is business. Some of it is very, very personal. Now, that's not to say that any of the games we've discussed today are good, because they aren't. But I very, very much have personal vendettas with some of these games. You know, every gaming content creator has "that game" that they have a unique and unbridled hatred for. As mentioned previously, AVGN is notorious for his hatred of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Noted SNES youtuber SNESDrunk despises Bill Lambieer's Combat Basketball. Well, for me, that game is Rocky and Bulwinkle for the NES. I've reviewed this game already and I can't believe I have to do it again, because this was the title that made me realize that video games could be bad. You see, when I was in Kindergaten I had a friend that I largely credit for getting me into gaming as a hobby. He introduced me to a great number of games I had never heard of before. He introduced me to Mega Man 3. His was the first house where I played a fourth generation console. And before he moved out of town shortly after my birthday, we were going to have one last gaming hurrah. Instead of a toy or trinket, he got me a video game, something that wasn't common at the time. You didn't get video games from your friends in those days, it just rarely happened. The excitement to play this new Nintendo game was palpable, we were through the roof. And I don't think I've ever been brought down by a game so fast. Horrendous controls, lousy graphics, even worse sound, there were absolutely no redeeming qualities here. There are reasons, even if they are small, to play all of the other games on this list at least once. But R and B is just useless, it has no reason for existing at all and brings absolutely nothing to the world. I had played bad games before. I had played games that were too hard for me at that point in my life. But Rocky and Bulwinkle was the first one that ever made me willingly turn off my NES to go do something else. That's something that I still don't do very often. I just can't talk about it anymore, I am going to link my review here. It's one of my older reviews but all the points still stand. I don't know what to say about this game, because none of the standard insults lobbed at games don't apply here. I can't compare it to fecal matter, that can be used for fertilizer. I can't call it garbage, at least you can burn that. Saying it sucks, or is lousy, or whatever, doesn't do it justice. Just stay away from this game at all cost.
And there you have it. Now I've done my worst of list and I never, ever, ever have to play any of these games ever again. I'm sure this list would look a lot different for others, though I think most of these games would be considered to be pretty objectively bad. I don't ever want to play any of them again and I don't recomend you do either.
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