MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch: The Game

“You can’t judge a book by its cover.”  

How many times have you heard that in your life?  What I’m sure was once sage advice has become a hackneyed platitude repeated ad naueseum by those looking to appear more open minded than they turn out to be.  That being said, throughout my life I have found that statement to be demonstrably true for the most part.

Sometimes though, what you see is what you get.  Take one look at a PS2/XBox game from 2003 based on MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch and the first thing that will most likely pop into your mind is “wow, that game is going to suck.”  I wish I could say I found a hidden gem, or that this was shockingly good or something of that nature.  Hell, I would have been okay with “passable.”  But that most certainly wasn’t the case here.

For those of you unfamiliar with Celebrity Deathmatch, it was an MTV show from the late 90’s/early 00’s where claymation versions of famous people battled each other to the death inside a wrestling ring.  It was filled with sophomoric, crude humor that I myself didn’t even find funny as a teenager.  Don’t get me wrong, it had its moments.  Marilyn Mason interfering in a match between Hanson and the Spice Girls will always make me laugh.  You can’t not love Gahndi beating the crap out of Ghengis Kahn and Mills Lane as the referee was always great.  But those moments were few and far between.

The writing on the show wasn’t great, but the game is even worse.  It’s almost as if they used reject jokes from the show and repurposed them here.  These aren’t even dick and fart jokes, they are just random statements and sight gags trying to be vulgar for the sake of being vulgar.  The show at least had pretty solid comedic timing.  The game...doesn’t. 

The other thing the show had going for it: actual celebrities.  I guess “D-list Celebrity Deathmatch” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.  That is essentially what you have for a roster here.  Shannon Doherty and all five members of N’Sync are here, they are probably the biggest names.  Busta Rhymes and Marilyn Manson would qualify as true celebrities as well, especially in their respective niches.  The rest of the roster though: Cindy Margolis, Ron Jeremy, Anna Nicole Smith, Tommy Lee, Dennis Rodman, Mr. T, Jerry Springer, Miss Cleo and, no, I’m not making this up, Carrot Top.  Freakin’ Carrot Top.  Real celebrity right there.

This would all be fine if the game played well, but it doesn’t.  Each character has a regular attack, special attack and grapple.  There is no real strategy here, just mash the buttons.  Even though the hit detection is terrible, you will still make quick work of the computer.  You can eventually pull off a super move, but by that point, you will have most of your fights won.  All the attacks are ridiculous and play into the “humor,” with Anna Nicole swinging turkey legs or Ron Jeremy throwing rubber chickens (get it, its a cock, huh huh) or hotdogs (get it, its...oh never mind).  I guess it fits with the show’s humor?

The graphics are abysmal, the ring lacks detail and there are no backgrounds to speak of.  The characters are all jumbled messes who struggle to look like the d-listers they are supposed to represent.  Carrot Top looks like the bastard child of Chucky from Child’s Play and Chucky from Rugrats.  I didn’t even know miss Cleo was supposed to be miss Cleo until I looked it up.  Everything moves at a snails pace, its slow, plodding and boring.  There really isn’t much to do either, just win a series of a few fights and the game is over.  There are unlockables, all of which are stupid.  I guess if you ever wanted to lose friends, you could play vs. mode with someone, so there’s that.

As for positives....its playable?  There are definitely worse fighting games out there, that’s for sure.  You get to beat up Carrot Top? And...yeah, I’ve got nothing.

I can’t say I’m surprised.  Celebrity Deathmatch is a licensed game that was a pure cash grab.  You can tell just by looking at it.  The show had long since ceased being relevant by 2003, so I’m not sure who’s cash they were trying to grab, but that was the idea.  You probably didn’t need me to tell you to avoid this game, but yeah, avoid this game.  It’s better than Rise of the Robots, in the way that getting punched in the face is better than getting kicked in the nuts, but that’s about all it has going for it.

1/10

Play this if:

You truly are a die hard fan of the show (even then, you’re better off making your own clay models and smashing them into each other)

You really want to put the boots to Carrot Top.

Avoid if:

You can simultaneously walk and chew.