“You can’t judge a book by its cover.”
How many
times have you heard that in your life? What I’m sure was once sage
advice has become a hackneyed platitude repeated ad naueseum by those
looking to appear more open minded than they turn out
to be. That being said, throughout my life I have found that statement
to be demonstrably true for the most part.
Sometimes
though, what you see is what you get. Take one look at a PS2/XBox game
from 2003 based on MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch and the first thing that
will most likely pop into your mind is “wow, that
game is going to suck.” I wish I could say I found a hidden gem, or
that this was shockingly good or something of that nature. Hell, I
would have been okay with “passable.” But that most certainly wasn’t
the case here.
For those
of you unfamiliar with Celebrity Deathmatch, it was an MTV show from
the late 90’s/early 00’s where claymation versions of famous people
battled each other to the death inside a wrestling ring.
It was filled with sophomoric, crude humor that I myself didn’t even
find funny as a teenager. Don’t get me wrong, it had its moments.
Marilyn Mason interfering in a match between Hanson and the Spice Girls
will always make me laugh. You can’t not love
Gahndi beating the crap out of Ghengis Kahn and Mills Lane as the
referee was always great. But those moments were few and far between.
The
writing on the show wasn’t great, but the game is even worse. It’s
almost as if they used reject jokes from the show and repurposed them
here. These aren’t even dick and fart jokes, they are just
random statements and sight gags trying to be vulgar for the sake of
being vulgar. The show at least had pretty solid comedic timing. The
game...doesn’t.
The other
thing the show had going for it: actual celebrities. I guess “D-list
Celebrity Deathmatch” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. That is
essentially what you have for a roster here. Shannon
Doherty and all five members of N’Sync are here, they are probably the
biggest names. Busta Rhymes and Marilyn Manson would qualify as true
celebrities as well, especially in their respective niches. The rest of
the roster though: Cindy Margolis, Ron Jeremy,
Anna Nicole Smith, Tommy Lee, Dennis Rodman, Mr. T, Jerry Springer,
Miss Cleo and, no, I’m not making this up, Carrot Top. Freakin’ Carrot
Top. Real celebrity right there.
This
would all be fine if the game played well, but it doesn’t. Each
character has a regular attack, special attack and grapple. There is no
real strategy here, just mash the buttons. Even though the
hit detection is terrible, you will still make quick work of the
computer. You can eventually pull off a super move, but by that point,
you will have most of your fights won. All the attacks are ridiculous
and play into the “humor,” with Anna Nicole swinging
turkey legs or Ron Jeremy throwing rubber chickens (get it, its a cock,
huh huh) or hotdogs (get it, its...oh never mind). I guess it fits
with the show’s humor?
The
graphics are abysmal, the ring lacks detail and there are no backgrounds
to speak of. The characters are all jumbled messes who struggle to
look like the d-listers they are supposed to represent.
Carrot Top looks like the bastard child of Chucky from Child’s Play and
Chucky from Rugrats. I didn’t even know miss Cleo was supposed to be
miss Cleo until I looked it up. Everything moves at a snails pace, its
slow, plodding and boring. There really isn’t
much to do either, just win a series of a few fights and the game is
over. There are unlockables, all of which are stupid. I guess if you
ever wanted to lose friends, you could play vs. mode with someone, so
there’s that.
As for
positives....its playable? There are definitely worse fighting games
out there, that’s for sure. You get to beat up Carrot Top? And...yeah,
I’ve got nothing.
I can’t
say I’m surprised. Celebrity Deathmatch is a licensed game that was a
pure cash grab. You can tell just by looking at it. The show had long
since ceased being relevant by 2003, so I’m not sure
who’s cash they were trying to grab, but that was the idea. You
probably didn’t need me to tell you to avoid this game, but yeah, avoid
this game. It’s better than Rise of the Robots, in the way that getting
punched in the face is better than getting kicked
in the nuts, but that’s about all it has going for it.
1/10
Play this if:
You truly
are a die hard fan of the show (even then, you’re better off making
your own clay models and smashing them into each other)
You really want to put the boots to Carrot Top.
Avoid if:
You can simultaneously walk and chew.
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