Sometimes, a game leaves you speechless.
That may seem like praise, but it isn't always. Yeah, sometimes a game can be so good or interesting it's awe inspiring, I remember playing stuff like Final Fantasy VII or the Resident Evil remake for the first time and being stunned. But sometimes, it's the opposite, a game is so unbelievable awful you just don't know what to say, I remember also being stunned the first time I played Rise of the Robots or that game with the moose and being similarly flabbergasted. But it's not all about good and bad, yin and yang, positive and negative. Games can leave you speechless for other reasons, like how unabashedly weird they are. Total Carnage fits squarely into the 'weird' category.
One look at Total Carnage, an arcade cabinet from Midway that was ported to the Super NES in 1993, and you think you know exactly what to expect. The box art has two jacked, shirtless dudes spread firing machine guns and the game is called 'Total Carnage,' it's about as obvious as it can be. At least gameplay wise, that's the case. The game is a multi-directional shooter, created largely by the same team that worked on it's much more famous cousin Smash TV. It's not a direct sequel, but the similarities are there. But it's not the gameplay here that's weird, that comes from the bizarre art style and bonkers, non-sensical plot.
Talking about a game's story is part and parcel for me in reviewing RPGs. Usually, I don't dedicate more than a few throwaway lines to the plot of a 30 year old top down shooter, but Total Carnage is just so...odd. The game sees you take control of Captain Carnage and Major Mayhem, members of an elite military unit called the Doomsday Squad. The duo has been asked to infiltrate the rogue nation of Kookistan, yes, Kookistan, in a last-ditch effort to overthrow the nefarious dictator, (sigh) General Akhboob. The not-so-good general's military forces are strong, but nothing Carnage and Mayhem can't handle. The bigger issue comes from his army of super powerful mutants, who have helped him take hostages and take over a baby formula factory in his quest for world domination. And this isn't something that got messed up in translation, Total Carnage is supposed to be like this.
The graphical style further adds to the weirdness. I...can't really describe what exactly this looks similar to. The in-game graphics, with some exceptions, are pretty normal and standard for a game like this. But the cutscenes between levels have this aesthetic, I can't really explain it any other way than everyone looks like a demented caricature of a human being. Everyone has a huge chin and derpy eyes, especially General Akhboob, who, despite being presented as a Mid-East dictator, wears an SS uniform. Even though the backgrounds and normal enemies look pretty plain, the bosses are some of the most truly bizarre monsters I have ever seen. And the text, oh my god, the text. Now, this I don't believe is intentional, I think it was more of a typical translation issue. But it just further exacerbates the weirdness in the best way possible. When I encountered the first boss and was greeted with YOU ARE THE WEASLEMAN! NOW YOU SHALL DIE! I had to pause the game because I couldn't stop laughing. See, this is why I wish I could do better gameplay footage, words and even screenshots just don't do this game's goofiness justice.
Just because a game stands out doesn't necessarily mean it's good. Fortunately, Total Carnage is actually a pretty fun game. It's incredibly simple, but extremely satisfying and surprisingly difficult. As you might expect, it plays just like Smash TV where you can move and fire in eight directions. You can pick up a variety of powerups, from new guns to treasure to American flags (did I mention this game is weird?), some of which have practical uses while others are just for points. Along the way, you also have to rescue hostages, though I'm not entirely sure if this accomplishes anything other than making you feel good about yourself. I guess its a sign they did something right that I still felt compelled to do everything I could to rescue them, because it's not easy. Total Carnage throws tons and tons of enemies at you at once, and they all attack in different ways. You have your standard soldiers that back off and shoot, as well as aliens that prefer to get up close and personal. There are also vehicles, turrets and other kinds of larger enemies. While the core gameplay remains largely unchanged throughout, Total Carnage at least tries to present the gameplay in different ways. The level where you are running against traffic blowing up enemy vehicles comes to mind.
The bosses are probably the most interesting part of Total Carnage, they are huge, detailed and completely ridiculous. All of these battles are tough, these guys are bullet sponges and most of them have two or three different forms you have to contend with. You have a pretty generous life bar and quite a few continues, but the bosses will drain them pretty fast. It's really critical that you avoid taking as many hits as possible during the levels, because the difficulty spike for the bosses is huge and you will very likely have to tank some hits. As a whole, the game is extremely chaotic and you have to constantly be on your toes to avoid being hit. You can't stop, even for a second because there is just so much going on at all times. If you aren't blasting enemies, you need to be dodging fire or finding powerups. That's exactly how a game like this should be.
The biggest issue here is probably just the lack of stuff there is to do. What's there is extremely fun, but there just isn't a whole lot there. This is an arcade port through and through, it's relatively short and it draws most of its depth and length from ridiculous challenge. I don't think it's unfairly hard, but Total Carnage is pretty tough and there isn't necessarily a lot to incentivize you to gain the level of expertise it requires to beat the game. And again, it's very, very quirky in a way that kind of doesn't mesh with the style of game you are playing. I don't have an issue with that, but some people might.
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