Jet Grind Radio

 For the first time, I'm going to have to put an asterisk on a review.

Yeah I know, even at the beginning of the review I know its going to have to happen. It's just going to have to. I know Sega fans really love Jet Grind Radio (called Jet Set Radio outside the US) and its generally pretty well regarded for a variety of reasons. But here's the thing you have to remember when you are reviewing media; reviewers are looking at both objective and subjective aspects. When it comes to video games, that means you are looking at things like control and graphics as well as fun factor. However, I've always felt things always leaned more on the subjective. Sure, some games have outright bad controls, but sometimes they have a bit of a subjective component as well. Some people hate tank controls, others don't mind them. Sometimes, a game can be objectively strong, but a reviewer can find it subjectively bad (as I did with Star Fox Adventures). Other times, a game can make up for its objective flaws by offering something to a specific individual (Mystical Ninja). Which is why I'm going to have to put an asterisk on my score for JGR: I subjectively hated this game and it feels like it was objectively created to piss me off.

As much as I loved the 90's and early 'aughts, there were things about the culture that weren't my favorite. I count the skating fad among those things. No disrespect to anyone that's into extreme sports, I could never do any of that stuff. I'm sure the lifers found all the hangers on from that era just as annoying as I did. Hearing some idiot bloviate about how they are the next Tony Hawk when they FINALLY learn how to do a kickflip after a year, only to stop skating a week later was nails on a chalkboard to me, I can only imagine how it sounded to someone that spent years and broke countless bones practicing (and yes, I know that's skateboarding and this game is about inline skating, but its the same idea). Perhaps worse than that fad was the whole "faux rebellion, nu-metal, EHRMAGERD SO ANGRY" attitude that seemed to permeate the era. It's kind of difficult to describe, but anyone that was there knows exactly what I'm talking about. If you don't, the best (worst?) advice I can give you is to go listen to Limp Bizkit's album "Chocolate Starfish and Hotdog Flavored Water" in its entirety and you'll get the picture. JGR blends both of these cultural touchstones and as such I was not a fan.

Let's start with the story. You take control of the members of a gang called the GG's, a group of skaters who are competing for turf in the city of Tokyo-to. The city is under control of the despotic Captain Onishima, who's security roam the streets enforcing his oppressive laws with an iron fist. These security guards have absolutely no tolerance for dissidence, they shoot first and ask questions later. It's up to you to first defeat your rival gangs and finally free the city from Onishima's wrath. And how are you going to oppose the not-so-good captain? Grassroots political movements? Peaceful protests? Outright riots and uprisings in the streets? No, with petty vandalism! Of course! That will show that evil dictator that has no problem using horrific violence against innocent people! It's up to you to paint graffiti throughout the city as you put your tags over your rival gangs', all while attempting to stay one step ahead of security. This was somewhat controversial in the day (the game actually starts with a disclaimer reminding the player that while graffiti is art, vandalism is a crime) but that just added to the game's mystique. You can't stop me from playing that hip new Dreamcast game mom! In all seriousness, I'm surprised it caused any issue at all, as far as video games go spray painting stuff was a major step down from blasting holes in demons and ripping people's heads off.

So yeah, I didn't really love the story or atmosphere or any of that. But what really killed it for me was the controls. Everything felt loose and the jumping felt like it was off. More importantly, the collision detection didn't feel right. As you might have gleaned from the title, grinding on anything and everything is a major part of this game. I could never seem to get my character to do it consistently and it made getting around very, very frustrating. The same was true for latching on to cars, the timing to do it successfully was ridiculous and I found it damn near impossible to do. Even spraying the graffiti, which is performed by copying a variety of commands using the joystick, was unresponsive and gets especially frustrating once security shows up. Movement in general was clumsy and I found myself constantly bumping into things or getting stuck in corners. If you could just walk normally, it wouldn't be a problem, but you are stuck with the skates and you have to work your way out of some weird spaces, especially if you miss a jump or fall off a rail. I know I've taken a ton of pot shots at it, but playing this really elevated my level of respect for the Tony Hawk series, largely because of the control issues I had. Play any of the THPS games and then play this and you will notice the control differences immediately.

The thing is though, almost all of those complaints are very subjective. Even the control issues have some level of subjectivity to them. While I really didn't like this game, I can understand a lot of what other people found interesting. The game is certainly graphically appealing, it's very colorful and has a really unique cell-shaded style. That's been done to death nowadays, but it was very unique at the time and honestly, this is the first game I remember to incorporate it. The characters all have tons of personality and their free flowing movements (and constant, uninterrupted dancing) are a direct contrast to the herky-jerky walk cycles of the security guards. In a game that had less thought put into it, I would chalk that up to coincidence but I think it was by design here. The overall presentation was definitely not for me, but it was obviously appealing to a lot of folks. There are also a lot of customization options with your characters and grafitti tags, more than you would usually see in a game of this era.

I can say the same about the soundtrack. I dug up an old review of JGR where the author honestly said they believe the game has one of the best soundtracks in history. I...very much disagree. I'm not sure how I would describe it, it's kind of techno, kind of pop, kind of hip hop, kind of intro song to a bad anime. Part of the story involves a guerrilla radio station, run by DJ Professor K, that "plays only the most extreme music, nonstop." I fail to see what's so extreme about this music. When I think of extreme music, I think of black metal, hardcore punk, gangsta rap, stuff like that, not whatever the hell the music in this game is. That said, it really fits the motif of JGR. It may not be extreme, but its bizarre and out there, perfectly appropriate for the game. It's certainly of great quality and clear, I always found the sound of Dreamcast games to be very crisp and clear. Again, not for me but it certainly had its audience.

I think I've made it clear at this point that I'm not that audience. I didn't like anything about it, from the presentation to the story to the gameplay. I found the controls to be awful, the gameplay to lack depth and the game to just generally not be worth playing. I disliked just about everything about this game, but I can't give it too low of a score because it was pretty clear it's a well made game. I know you are supposed to put your biases completely aside when you review something, but that isn't possible how hard you try. I think I've done a pretty good job of it overall, especially when it comes to racing games. But there was much too much here that I subjectively disliked and if I'm being completely honest I couldn't get through the entire thing (and yes, I usually play through all the games I review in their entirety, at least the main game). It's not an objectively bad game like some of the stuff I played (Rocky and Bulwinkle, Rise of the Robots, Celebrity Deathmatch, etc.) But I still hated it.

4/10